The Fear

Recently I have been suffering from The Fear. Actually, not recently I just realised, but ever since I gave birth to The Tweenager.

It started like this:

• Fear of becoming a mum and being tied down for 18 years
• Fear that I might kill the baby or someone might steal it
• Fear that my breasts would never be the same again
• Fear The Husband might want special love

By the time The Tomboy was born, I was an expert at being a mum and was almost a success in my own business, so The Fear subsided for a while. It was still there (it never goes away completely) but had developed into a Fear of not being late, Fear of the sandwich shop not being open and Fear of my days off from the shop when I had to have my children. The Fear was manageable.

After The Toddler it really grew. Before I accepted that this is my time to 'stand still', The Fear almost brought me down. Thank God for anti depressants. The Fear is very very strong. The Fear tried to take over me like this:

• Fear that I had lost my identity and was just a moaning mum
• Fear that my life is very small
• Fear of being tired
• Fear I was very boring and had no funny stories to tell
• Fear that changing a nappy was the highlight of my day

Recently The Fear has been very clever. The Fear has metamorphosed again. Just when you think you are beating it, The Fear comes back bigger and stronger and in ways that you did not expect.
After almost two years of being miserable that I don't live in the town and that I don't have a job, those two wishes are the things that now frighten me the most. The Husband has recently been offered a promotion and with the pay rise he has suggested that we move into town. Since isn't this what I've been banging on about for two years. Yet the very thought of it frightens the life out of me. What's all that about? And the other day I was practically offered a job managing the children's section in my local bookstore and I ran out the exit faster than the gingerbread man.

The Fear wins almost every time. But it will never ever stop me from having coffee with my mates or watching Desperate Housewives or walking The Dog. You see the only thing to really fear is The Fear itself. And once you realise this, you can carry on being lazy and wasting the days whilst getting by with minimal parental responsibility. The Fear will never get to that.